"Congratulations, It's a girl!"
Those four words, said gleefully with a pink little present should be the best four words that any woman has to hear.
For Karolynn Khemmeline, it was worse than the usual "You're fired." "You're being sued", "No sex tonight." It was pure torture to fold the corners of the soft fleece blanket and look down at the true gift.Skin as pure as snow yet as warm as the sun surrounding the virgin, blueberry eyes gazing up at the woman, hands no bigger than strawberries flailing. This was the most amazing gift a mother other than her to ask for, and yet he child's intent gaze at her mother which would warm the iciest heart barely phased her as she thought of the true madness that would occur once her husband, Jackell Khemmeline, would open the door with drowsy eyes, a suitcase in hand and see that the boy he was waiting for impatiently for nine restless months was in pink.
"Are you sure she's a girl, nurse?" the mother weakly asked, holding the child in her bony arms.The nurse smiled warmly and nodded. "Do you have a name for this precious angel?"
The little bundle wriggled and looked up at the strangers before her, giving the cutest yet least feminine baby face she could give, finally sparking a small chuckle from Karolynn. "Lander Jacob Khemmeline."
The nurse, caught off guard by the name, looked puzzled at the woman."Again, she is a she.. Are you sure you didn't mean Lacey Jane?"
"I've decided, Lander Jacob.And could you wrap her in a blue blanket, miss?"
Not wanting to displease this already annoyed mother, the nurse carefully took miss Lander in her hands, turned on her heel and walked away.Soon, the little girl in her arms would be a little boy in the arms of his father.













Comments
I like how you made it seem like the baby understood that she was not what the mom wanted, and how she tried to be what she wasn't so she would be accepted by her mother. That part made me sad, but it was my favorite part...
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Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: what is soft is strong.-lao tzu
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"♪scrub scrub scrub my skin, gently clean the sin~...♪"
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this is bippy.
bippy is a squirrel.
bippy eats children for breakfast.
good bippy.
What I say below is not intended to offend you... But to point out things I feel need a little work.... And as such should only be viewed as helping to mature your craft....
And now for the critique...
My biggest complaint is the lack of punctuation...
The excess use of comma's is slighty worrying...
This part was difficult to read... "It was pure torture to fold the corners of the soft fleece blanket and look down at the true gift with virgin, blueberry eyes looking up and creamy skin, hands no bigger than a strawberry flailing, all mixing up to be the most amazing gift a mother other than her to ask for.
What's wrong with a full stop?
Would of read better if you had put for example... "It was pure torture to fold the corners of the soft fleece blanket and look down at the true gift. The virgin blueberry eyes looked up, enclosed in folds of soft creamy skin. While hands no bigger than strawberries flailed around. This all mixed up to be the most amazing gift a mother, other than her could possibly ask for"....
The rest I feel runs quite smoothly... And as far as I can see requires only mild edit...
I apologise if any or all my comments offend you...
And if they don't please feel free to ask me to read your pieces prior to posting and i'll be more than happy to provide my thoughts to you....
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If at first you don't succeed maybe sky diving is not for you...!!
#Writers-Workshop *writersunknown
I now understand what you're saying about the comma use ^^' I didn't realize I went as overboard with commas as I did in this.
Again thank you for the critique, I will definitely keep it in mind the next time I write another piece or revise this one.
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"I know I am not beautiful, yet if poetry,art and music is and I am gifted with all three, I must be the most beautiful outcast in the world." ~Kaitylee
Take some time to view my poetry, if you please. [link]
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